Relationships

Relationships are hard. As valentines day gets closer it seems that more and more people are having relationship troubles or "pressures" rather. I always thought I was immune to it, but it seems that I am not.

My boyfriend and I have been together roughly four years, it depends on who you ask - I would be the more reliable source and I'm going with four years. We've had our ups and downs, just like any other couple, but lately (as in the last 6 months) it seems that we've only really had downs. For a while I was optimistic and told myself that you can only go down so far until you hit bottom and after that the only way to go is up.

Apparently this is not so.

We just keep going down, and down and down. Oh, and down. Down some more. We both know there is something wrong. At one point I was working to change it, but no longer. My efforts and cares have fallen on deaf ears. He knows he could change it, but doesn't. He could help me and together we could work through this and come out better people.

The key word is : work.

I used to be in love. I used to be like the people in the movies, head over heels in love. Romance, passion, spark, intimacy - it was all there. Then it started to decline, not much to make a significant notice, but it did now that I was looking back on it. The honeymoon wore off - but we still worked through it.

At one point I envied my friends that were in relationships - now I envy the ones that are single. I used to be so happy, now I am constantly reminded of why I should be depressed. I hate what my life has become. I try to live in denial. Or try to live in the happy moments that I experience.

Last night I went out with a good friend of mine from highschool. Back then, we were so close - then he moved away for school, these things happen. I moved to the same city for school as well, we got back in contact and went out last night for some Hookah and cigars - chai tea and acai berry smoothies. We sat and talked for 3 hours - and it was the best converstation I've had in months.

I have a girl friend that I vent to when I'm upset and I recipricated the favor to her - but it was just not the same. No one seemed and geniunly interested, concerned or empathetic as he did, I felt so much better when we were hanging out - it was like he just took my cares from me. All my problems *poof* gone. We are both going through the same type of relationship - him and I both don't want to leave our "comfort zones". We've both been with our significant other so long, that it would be insanely hard to break away from them and move on - it might be the healthy thing to do, but it is the harder one. Our others are both make us feel bad about ourselfs.... maybe we should just elope, him and I.

This morning when I woke up 'on the wrong side of the bed', sick with a cold, barely able to talk and hungry as a beast. I went to the boyfriend for help and comfort. I found neither - I found anger and sadness, a sense of loss. A sense of dependency.

I used to be in love with my boyfriend - love that I had never experienced before, it was so close, so deep. Today, four years later, that same man causes me so much stress. I feel contempt towards him - I feel like he is lazy and selfish. He says otherwise, but that is how I feel. Actions speak louder than words, and putting the needs of yourself above anyone else's is selfishness.

I could go on for days, as I have four years to cover - but I'm about to pass out from hunger.

He needs to ask himself "Is she worth the effort? Am I willing to make sacrifices to keep her?" He needs to realize that if something doesn't change.......she isn't going to be around for long.