Telemarketing

I heard a small beep...my phone was calling out for help! The battery was dying! Poor thing I thought to my self as I rushed it to the charger. Plugging her in I felt a surge of rage Who would want to do this to her?! Who used up my battery?!. Last night when I went to bed I had half a battery left. Disregarding the negligence on my part for not connecting her to her life support last night, I checked the alerts.

• One text from Mia - completely acceptable considering it was in response to one I sent her.
• A phone call from a 1-866 number. Don't know who that was.
• Another phone call from the 1-866 number. Hm.
• ANOTHER?! phone call from 1-866 number. Who are these jerks? What to the want with Centro? Why are they trying to kill her?

With Centro safely plugged in, I called the 866 criminals. The line clicked, they picked up..I had them!

"Thank you for calling government grants, you call is very important to us, please stay on the line. The next representative will be with you shortly."

Representative, huh? That must be code for the leader of the group in charge for the hit that is out on Centro!

I waited, and a male voice picked up on the phone "Thank you for calling Government Grants, how can I help you today?"

Calling up all my anger and frustration I spat out, "You have been calling me all morning every 2 hours, and almost killed Centro! What is your business with her? If it was that important you could have left a voice mail, I said in the voice mail that I would call you back! Do you think I'm a lair?!".

That is what I said, but in the language of phone hit men it came out sounding like this, "Yes, hi, I've been receiving a call from this number."

"Oh Ms. Hoffman we're glad you've called we would like to let you know that you qualify for a goverment grand and you can recieve up to 1 million dollars of free money at no charge to you - all you have to do is pay a shipping and handling fee of $1. Would you like to recieve our kit that will give you the tools to recieve this free money?"

*sigh*

"No, thank you, I don't use credit cards". *click*

One hit man down - more to go.

___________________________________________________________________

So, nobody likes telemarketers. I would never work as a telemarketer. Ever. Well, maybe if I was having a craving for lobster and I really, really needed it and with lobster prices being so high....but that's not the point! The point is that we as a common people need to stand up to telemarketers. If the products and deals they were offering were so great, they wouldn't need to hire people to tell us about them - right? Word of mouth is the best advertising and if something was THAT great it would have come around.

If you've decided to take a stand against telemarketing, I suggest that you follow the wise ways of Tom Mabe. Mr. Mabe sets a recorder next to the phone and right before he picks up the phone when it rings he presses record - if it's a telemarketer he records the call. Take a listen in and hopefully we can all be a little more like Mr. Mabe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI

If Mr. Mabes technique is a little to strong for some of us more reserved folk then here are a few more ideas that you can institute in your fight against telemarketing.

1. Talk really fast.
   
   
2. Make up your own language. Speak it.
   
   
3. Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"
   
   
4. If they say "Yes" to number 3 say, "Please state the nature of the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an emergency. Hang up.
   
   
5. If they say "No" to number 3 say, "I'm sorry but this line is for emergencies only." Hang up.
   
   
6. Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
   
   
7. Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.
   
   
8. Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.
   
   
9. Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "
   
   
10. Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.
    
    
11. Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."
    
    
12. Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a prank call.
    
    
13. Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"
    
    
14. Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. How may I help you?"
    
    
15. Speak a foreign language.
    
    
16. Say, "Help! I'm being robbed! He's got a gun!"
    
    
17. Communicate only through Morse code.
    
    
18. Act drunk.
    
    
19. Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.
    
    
20. Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
    
    
21. Make him/her sing to get a sale.
    
    
22. Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.
    
    
23. Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
    
    
24. Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.
    
    
25. Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.
    
    
26. Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.

I hope that this list has sparked some ideas for you on how you can fight telemarketing! Find this list and more ideas at http://www.lifeisajoke.com/miscellaneous40_html.htm

-Amberly